On November 14th I was asked to participate in questionnaire by a friend for a paper she was working n in school. Her topic for the paper was “Male Bullying in Public Schools.” I felt like I’d had a pretty unique time all through my school years so I quickly jumped at the opportunity to share my story. It’s a little long but it’s definitely worth the read. I left it in the Q&A format as well instead of it being like story. I hope you enjoy learning a little more about me.
1.What is your current age?
I’m 23 years old.
2. Have you ever been teased, harassed, taunted, threatened or bullied by any of your male peers as a child and/or adolescent? Or, do you know or have you witnessed a male child or adolescent experience the above examples? Please explain—provide examples.
a. How did those actions make you feel or think about the experience?
Yes, I have been teased, taunted, threatened and bullied. All on a large scale ranging from miniscule comments under someone’s breath to violent physical acts towards me. To give you a little back story I’d always known that I was different from all the other boys I hung out with. They had an elevated interest in females while I on the other hand couldn’t shake the intense curiosity of getting to know more about other guys. It wasn’t until I started attending middle school did these differences really start to set me apart from everyone else in a negative way.
I grew up in a predominately female family. Growing up I had a few Male figures in my life, most of which consisted of uncles and positive male figures were practically non-existent in my life. So I quickly adopted many of the female mannerisms and ways of life that I saw so regularly from my Aunts and single mother. I was also, unknowingly; overweight at the time so clearly an easy target to be picked on. Boys would make comments about how I spent the majority of my time with females instead of being one of “the boys”.
They would frequently poke fun at my interests such as theatre, my tastes in clothes, the way talked, the way I walked, the bonds that I built with my female counterparts. Everything about me seemed to just be “wrong” in their eyes. I couldn’t understand it honestly and without having a father figure I was left to deal with my confusion on my own. At the time I couldn’t wrap my head around why someone would want to single me out and make me feel bad about whom I was and still am to this day. It made me feel horrible. Like many teens today I felt like my life was not worth living if meant living to be treated that way.
3. If the answer to the above is no, have you ever teased, harassed, taunted, threatened or bullied any of your male peers as a child or adolescent? If yes, please provide a detailed example and why you think you did it.
a. If you answered yes to #3, do you think your actions were premeditated, spontaneous or related to peer pressure?
Even though I was able to answer the above question with a resounding yes, I still must admit that I’ve been on the other side torment and teasing as well. I was fortunate enough to be an intelligent enough kid to catch on and realize how it all worked. It all came down to “Tease or be Teased.” Nobody ever messed with the kids who made others feel bad about themselves, it was like everyone feared them so they remained unscathed to the treatment they were dishing out to everyone else.
There was a girl named Andrea who I participated in teasing quite frequently. In fact. It was at the same time of month every single month, catch my drift? She was ahead of everyone else in the puberty race. When she’d come around or walk by I’d say things like “Its smells like fish. Does anyone else smell that?” In retrospect it was a terrible thing to do but I know why I did it. I figured that the only way to stop people from picking on me was to pick on someone else. I completely drove the attention away from myself and all the things the other kids found “odd” about me. That’s not my guess of why I did it, I was in full knowledge of what I was doing. She’d cry and left class many times on account of me and my comments. “Andrea the fishy fish girl.” I’d call her. She also had freckles which proved to be another pain point for her that I used to my advantage. Over all my actions towards her were done out of silent peer pressure. The pressure to just fit in and be like everyone else.
4.Have you experienced any ridicule, harassment, threats or mean spirited jokes as an adult?
a. If you answered yes to #4, how do you think you’ve handled it or experienced it different as an adult as opposed to a child and/or adolescent?
I have experienced ridicule or mean spirited jokes as an adult; not nearly as much as when I was a kid though. The biggest difference between my childhood ridicule and having it done to me as an adult is the fact that Now I’m completely comfortable with myself. The comments made by others don’t bother me and I’ve become quite quick witted over the years so I have an arsenal of comeback to shut those rude people up. My defense now doesn’t lie in my comments I make; those just keep the jokers at bay. The defense I lacked as child but have now as an adult is in the way that I present myself. I don’t appear to be someone who has a weak spirit; which I don’t. I don’t appear to be someone who you could pick on physically because of my appearance; I carry myself with a air of self confidence many lack. Once I found that the bullying, negative comments, and nasty glares seemingly stopped. My experiences didn’t change, the way I handled them did.
5. What behaviors or acts do you think qualify as bullying? Do you think the classification of bullying is from just one instance or continuous action? If continuous, how many times would justify "continuous?"
- Any act that is meant to belittle or single someone out based on their race, background, sexual orientation, beliefs. Bullying is picking at the fibers of that someone’s being with or without the intent of making them feel bad.
I believe that an incident only needs to happen once to be considered bullying. The number of times doesn’t change the fact that someone has been made to feel less than, because of who they are.
7. Why do you think males tease, torment, harass, threaten and/or bully their male peers?
I think that there are a number of reasons why males tease and bully on another. Some do it to establish dominance. The rhetorical question “Who’s the man?” comes to mind. Guys who ask that never expect an answer because it just should go unspoken that they are top dog. Some, do it to distract others from their own perceived flaws. I never wanted anyone to pay attention to me long enough to try and figure out something they could use against me. It was a bit of self preservation; if you will. I knew one guy who bullied because it was all he knew from his home life, sentimental displays of affection were considered too effeminate in his home life so he showed his friends he cared by being a mean. As odd as that may sound, I can vouch it was the truth. The list goes on but these are the main reasons I feel that bullying happens.
8.Do you think the issue should be addressed in the school system? Why or why not?
Should this be addressed in the school system? I can say that I strongly and unequivocally feel this is something that must be addressed in the school system.
I have a tremendous amount of friends from the LGBT community who have dealt experienced bullying on some level when they were in school. Many of which to this day still carry around grudges because of what we were left vulnerable and subject to deal with in school. I was recently talking with a friend who was shared a story of a female bully he dealt with when he was in high school. Let me take a moment to say that this friend turned out to be wildly successful guy too, with a loving husband and family, a career he wouldn’t trade for the world, a house, lots of close friends and all the martial things any guy could ask for.
Anyhow, this woman, whom I’ll call Jane, recently showed up my friends’ life via Facebook and made a request to be his “friend”. He divulged to me that Jane “Made my four years of High School absolute hell!” He got quite worked up over this, justifiably so, and went on to vent as though she was in the room with us. “Who the hell do you think you are, that you can come into my life after what you did to me for four years in high school and expect that I’m going to welcome you with open arms?!”. I nodded emphatically because I whole heartedly understood where this was coming from inside of him. “fuck off.” He went on to say.
It reminded me of my lowest point in school which in turn shared with him. The memories swim vividly in my head as though it was yesterday. I got off the city bus, Metro Transit, and started my walk to my house as I always did after my day of school. There were 3 other black boys who rode the city bus to school and got off as well, I found unusual because they never got off on the same stop as me. It was a nice day so I took my sweatshirt off and draped it over my bag. Pulled out me headphones and turned up the music in my cd player. I figured the best way to avoid what felt like an uncomfortable confrontation was to pretend they didn’t exist. How wrong I turned out to be.
I was crossing the 35th/36th street exit bridge in south Minneapolis when I barely heard someone shout something obscene from behind me. Instead of turning around I picked up my walking pace in hopes that I’d just make it home before they could get closer to me. I again heard someone shouting so I started to turn around when I was sucker-punched on the left side of my face. I was instantly disorientated. I felt the three guys patting me down, going through my backpack and pockets, one boy had taken my cd player, thrown the cd on the ground and put the player in his pocket. Another was shouting at me asking where my money was after they had already dug through my pockets and pulled everything out.
I tried to respond and only then realized that I was bleeding all over myself from inside my mouth. I barely managed to explain to them that “I never carry cash.” Upset, the boy threw my wallet at me and they all ran away just as quickly as they’d surrounded me. I was hysterical and stunned that none of the cars that drove by during this horrific scene stopped to help. Nobody even honked as to say “Hey, Leave him alone.” When I finally managed to stumble into my home I explained to my father what had happened. All he could ask was “Why didn’t you fight back?” I replied that “I was out numbered.” He replied, “So.” I told him that “One of the boys had showed me the gun on his waist”. This was clearly meant to keep me from fighting back. It worked. My father left me with a feeling that he was disappointed in me. I received no comfort neither physically or verbally. I felt like everything that had happened was my fault. Like I’d done something wrong. I’d convinced myself that by embracing this unknown and feared side of myself I was asking for trouble.
I begged my dad to drive me to school the next couple of days and he did. Eventually he wore tired of my fears and forced me back onto the Metro Transit bus system. I hated him for it.
Now I’m sure at this point you’re still wondering how all of this is going to tie back to Bullying in schools. Let me tie up the loose ends. I participated in the Gay & Straight student alliance at my high school. I was not unknown to being an advocate for openness and showing respect to everyone across the board despite all differences. These boys had recognized me from around school.
I made a decision to talk to the school about the attack. The police came in and I explained my story and was even able to point out the guys who had attacked me in my schools yearbook. After reliving my brutal attack for the police, my principal, school counselor, and many many teachers who wondered why I seemed so distant nothing was done!
I reached out to my counselor to find out why nothing had been done and she explained that the boys I’d fingered gave the police a very different story from mine. They claimed that they had nothing to do with me being attacked and even went as far as saying that my “girlfriend set me up to be jumped because she was upset with me.” I stood up in my counselor’s office and shouted at the top of lungs “BUT IM GAY!!!! That story doesn’t even make sense!!!” but it was of no use. Nobody believed me and if they did nobody dared show it. I will never understand how a 16 year old could be left out in the cold like that after reaching out for help in such a character defining and vulnerable moment.
So, your question to me is if bullying is something that should be addressed in schools? With tears in my eyes all I can say is that I can’t even believe that this is a real question. Teens’ safety and sanity are at stake. It’s not “kids being kids.” Its harassment plain and simple! Everyone isn’t able to pull themselves together long enough to just get by like me and my friend; the recent string suicides of by gay youth is proof of that. After hearing my story there should be no question in anyone’s mind about addressing this issue is schools. Teens have enough to deal with between extracurricular activities, classes, homework, friends, jobs, home life, figuring out who they are and what they want out of life. A Bully should not be on the list of things to be concerned about.
